Good morning ,
This past Sunday, I finally broke down and told God that I know He doesn't make mistakes, but I don't think He picked the right one to be Denver's mom. I don't know that I'm cut out for this. If I can be 100% honest with you, I really don't like being a mom right now. It's really hard. It's always something. I'm tired of not being able to fix it, fix her.
The more I thought about it on Sunday, I started wondering if I was being prideful. Who am I to tell God how to make her? Who am I to tell God there's someone better than me to be her mom?
As I pulled up to the hospital Sunday afternoon and saw all the cars in the parking garage, I thought about all the parents who were there because of cancer or some other incurable disease. All the parents who live at the hospital for days, weeks, and months because of their children being sick. It humbled me. As I spoke with the nurse, I felt peace once again. There are so many strangers trying to protect her, and they haven't spent a day with her. Every single person I talk to is trying to help her, help us. That's no coincidence. When we left the hospital just a few hours later, I was relieved. I had learned so much. I still didn't have any answers, though.
I want answers. I need to know how to fix it.
Then it dawned on me. I can't fix it. I can love her. I can take her to therapy. I can work on my own trauma. But only Jesus can fix it.
I started sharing part of this on TikTok out of obedience. I thought about the people who commented and thanked me for being open. I thought about the people who said they needed to hear that. I thought about the people who reached out to encourage me. I started wondering how much of my journey will encourage someone else to put their hope in the Lord in the middle of chaos. Do we ever consider how our testimony can point others to Christ? Most of the time, it's after the testimony, not while you are fighting for it to be over.
God knew when I was lost in an abusive relationship that I would eventually publish a book about it. He knew that even though I would be hesitant, I would talk about my parenting journey. God is outside of time. I see right now. He sees forever. He knew we would be here. He knows what is ahead. I don't, but he does. I wish he would fill me in a little bit more, but I digress.
Lastly, I was low-key angry last night. God knows what my 2024 looked like. He knows the battles we faced in 2025. Why in the world won't he make it all go away???? Get me to the good part...I know he can.
Lastly, I was low-key angry last night. God knows what my 2024 looked like. He knows the battles we faced in 2025. Why in the world won't he make it all go away???? Get me to the good part...I know he can.
So is it pride? Am I so caught up in my current emotions that I'm missing the big picture? After all, it's not about us. It's about giving God the glory. So for as long as I'm here, I'll continue to put my hope in the Lord and give Him glory.
The more I ask God to change situations or change others, the more he changes my heart.
"Lord, continue to purify my heart. Remove all pride and make me more like you. Renew my mind and help me to focus on what is good."
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